Do You Think Your Inner Critic is a Gremlin? Think Again.

I’ve tried calling my inner critic names, laughing it off as my inner gremlin

or mean girl, or labelling it as a monster—something inside me that needs

to be fixed. I’ve tried ignoring it, telling it to shut up, telling it to go away.

But none of those things helped. My inner critic can always out-shout, out-

argue and out-maneuver me.

Much conventional advice about how to deal with the inner critic says the

name-calling/ignoring/fight back approach is the way to go. Perhaps you’ve

tried this, and it hasn’t worked. Perhaps it works to a degree but talking to

a part of yourself like this doesn’t quite sit right with you. If this is the case

that’s for a good reason. In this post, I want to introduce the idea that your

inner critic isn’t the monster it might appear to be.

We all know that the foundation of all good relationships is respect. I don’t

like it when someone calls me names or tells me to shut up, so why would I

expect that to work with my inner critics? If someone is doing this to me, is

it going to help if I call them names and tell them to shut up back? No! It’s

just going to make things worse and escalate the situation.

Taking this perspective helped me realize: I won’t change my relationship

with my inner critics by descending to their level. Instead, I’d much rather

invite my critics to rise to meet me and model what the right way to interact

looks like.

Whatever form your inner critic takes (and whatever the specifics

of what it says) its overarching purpose is to keep you in line with your

“rules for living”. Its job is to sound the alarm whenever there’s a chance

you might do something that contravenes these rules and stop you in our

tracks before you act in a way that breaks them. When you look at the

inner critic in this context – that it’s trying to keep you in check with the

rules you developed to survive – you can see its purpose from a different

angle altogether.

Inner Critics Need Hugs Too

Even when it leaves us feeling miserable, the inner critic is trying to protect

us. It might not be going about it in the most constructive or helpful way,

the rules its upholding might be outdated, and it is almost certainly working

to scripts that are no longer helpful, but its modus operandi is self-

protection. As I’ve become more aware of my thoughts, feelings and

beliefs, I’ve discovered that most of my fears and hang-ups come back to

two roots: the fear of not being good enough and the fear of being

unlovable. The inner critic’s fears and hang-ups are no different.

“In considering where the Inner Critic came from, always keep in mind that the Inner Critic’s original function is to spare us shame and pain.”

— Hal and Sidra Stone, Embracing the Inner Critic

This is why my inner critic is most likely to show up when I’m doing

something that takes me outside my comfort zone. Like the time I

interviewed for a job I wanted and was still awake at 2 a.m. the morning

after, deconstructing everything I should have said and second-guessing

myself. Or the time I got my first writing client and avoided their emails for

days, paralyzed with fear about what would happen if they didn’t like my

work. Or the countless times I’ve been in a social situation with

opportunities to connect with new people yet haven’t felt able to speak up

for fear of those people judging me.

These are just some of the (many) examples of how my inner critic has

shaped the way I respond to situations outside my comfort zone. I’m sure

you can think of your own. Going for a promotion, asking someone out,

moving to (or even visiting) a new place, trying that new hobby you’ve

always wanted to try; whether the situation is seemingly trivial or life-

changing, your inner critic is always there trying to keep you in your safe

zone and deter you from doing anything that feels risky, leaves you

vulnerable or breaks your internalized rules for life.

Our inner critics sound scary, but in reality they are scared.

Our choice is: do we live a life ruled by fear? Or do we take back the

reigns, decide what matters most to us (love, integrity, honesty, justice,

creativity, etc.) and enjoy a life fully-lived? 

-Hannah Braine

Adapted from her book, The Power of Self-Kindness: How to

Transform Your Relationship With Your Inner Critic